In the Clearing

Last week's view was snowy and cold. "The Melon Collie" also visited and put me in mind of my middle age. I did have lovely times with my children and friends. I also attended two funerals and learned of the passing of one of my church moms from my hometown.

Hazel was 99. Helen was 78. John was 15.

Life lessons are not easy. At any age. From my middle view, I realize that I need to expect weeks like this. Ones that have richly wonderful days and days that are challenging. And sometimes, the day holds both.

I read this quote from Terry Hershey's "Sabbath Moments" this morning. It is from Rabbi Harold Kushner's book, "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough."

"I don't like being hurt...but when I protect myself against the danger of loss by teaching myself not to care, not to let anyone get too close to me, I lose part of my soul. If we believe that in order for life to be good, we have to avoid pain, the danger is that we will become so good at not feeling pain that we will learn not to feel anything not joy, not love, not hope, not awe. We will be emotionally anesthetized."

Speaking from personal experience, there are damned good reasons, times, and life moments for emotional anesthesia. For without it, we may not get out of bed in the morning, or worse, we may choose to end our life to escape the pain.

Right now, my view from the middle of life is coming out of the first part of life with a pretty different take on living. It feels a little like walking along a forest trail and coming into an unexpected clearing in the woods of midlife and taking one's eyes off the trail to actually look up to see where you are. To pause for a moment and re-vision life in other ways, determining a new trail or staying with the current one. Perhaps finding a different partner to travel with. Watch growing children find their own trails, ones that are hopefully near your own.

Living an authentic life is challenging, it can be tremendously difficult at times. But without living with an open heart, we can't truly appreciate how utterly amazing and miraculous life really is. I notice a lot of people my age who find themselves in this clearing and ask, "How did I get here?" Many choose to go running back on the same trail they came from, hoping to reclaim their younger life and the familiarity of it. I've seen some be greeted in this clearing by grandchildren who have lit a new flame inside of their hearts. I've seen some take their time in this clearing and ask, "Is this all there is?"

Yet others reach this clearing and they are hardened by life or have been deeply hurt by someone they loved and trusted. I can fully understand the desire to withdraw to seemingly protect oneself against being hurt yet again. I know how feeling nothing at all at times is better than feeling pain.

From my place in the clearing, I'm choosing to be open to life. This is not for the faint of heart. But what a tragedy if I choose to close myself off from life and all that it entails. As the saying goes, "growing old is a privilege denied to many" and if we choose to fully embrace life, risking with our whole heart, what kind of a second half of life can we create for ourselves and for those we love?

One of these days, I'll start on the path out of the clearing. And who knows where I will go? What I do know is that I am excited about the next part of the journey.