"Why not?" So I jumped in.
Every morning, before the world and my ego self, recognizes that I am awake, I access the daily reflection and meditation that shows up in my in box. It's been a week now and I've noticed some things.I've noticed that some of the exercises are pretty challenging. I was told to spend one day doing a simple affirmation whenever I found myself looking into a mirror. Make eye contact with myself and say, "I see you. I appreciate you. I love you."
No big deal. Except that it WAS. Do you really see your self? Many men shave in the morning, women may apply a moisturizer or a full face of make up, but do we really look into our own eyes? And then tell our selves that we love us? I was really surprised by the awkward feeling I had the first few times I did it. Thing is, no one else was looking. I'm in the ladies room. Alone. It was just me, myself, and I, and it took some getting used to.
Do we really allow ourselves to know who we truly are? Not our roles, not the personality that has been created, not the person that life has molded us to be, but the true essence of our selves? This may be a revelation for some, the possibility that the push and pull we feel within at times is the tug of war between who we really are and who we and the rest of the world have deemed we "should" be.
I have found that when I am spending my time being my everyday self, the person the world has deemed I should be, I worry more. I worry about whether or not I am enough or worthy. There's a lot of measuring done - bank accounts, car, house, material things, social life, etc.
My ego/everyday self keeps me in line. I check my words. I don't fully share my feelings of joy, love, disappointment, hurt, anger. Besides, living as my everyday self insulates me, protects me. I'm not opening myself and risking getting hurt. I can just keep the walls up, keep everyone in their tidy and defined boxes, my new found boundaries up, and my true self stays protected.
This past week of engaging in daily meditation has been interesting. I am witnessing this interplay between my everyday self and my true self, the push and pull between them. When I am mindful and present and living in my true self, my ego gets nervous and sounds the warning bells. Like the voice on the GPS after you've gone against their driving directions or simply missed the turn, there's this slightly disgusted tone in the voice, "Recalculating." Duh. Trust me, Loser.
I get that my ego self is there to protect me. But like my Norton Antivirus system that has decided that my iPod shuffle is an intruder that we will not allow ourselves to sync up with, or the over protective parent,
or one guy tries to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb and now we all take off our shoes before we fly, there are times when our concertina-topped walls are keeping out far more good stuff than they are protecting us from what could be a threat.
There is no doubt that those walls are there for good reason. We know from painful experience how devastating life's experiences can be. None of us escape these and we learn to protect ourselves as best we can. We mitigate our risk. We build an elaborate system of landmines, moats, locked doors, and such in order to protect ourselves from ever experiencing that pain again.
I was reminded this week about the story of Icarus who had a great dream to fly. He built his wings and flew too close to the sun. His dreams got him hurt. Or did they? After all, he did fly.
The gifts of life are abundant and rich. In order to fully experience them, we must be willing to open to accept them. To allow ourselves to be vulnerable. To let people out of the emotional boxes we have placed them in for our own protection and safekeeping.
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
The bud can die on the vine, without ever blooming or coming to fruition. Where do you need to allow yourself to open and take a small risk?
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