Not for the faint of heart

So many of us, myself included, have found ways in which we shunt our feelings so that we don't feel pain or hurt. It isn't just those who misuse drugs or alcohol to avoid their feelings. Anything can be misused to protect our hearts.... food, sex, exercise, hoarding, spending... anything that (temporarily) takes away the pain. 

Our feelings have a tremendous effect on our physiology. If our emotions are negative, we are flooding our bodies with cortisol - the stress hormone - causing all kinds of havoc in our bodies. Stress is now considered a risk factor to our health on par with obesity and smoking. We don't have to feel extreme rage or be furious in order for the cortisol release, we can feel worry, sadness, or concern.

Four years ago, I went back to a counselor to coach me through some serious work. Each session began with my counselor asking, "How are you feeling today?" I had no idea. I felt flat. I make my living as a writer. I work with words all day long. I had to look up various emotions in a thesaurus to access the words. I wasn't enraged or furious or even terrified. I wasn't feeling much on either side of flat. I was more like one of the Stepford wives. A self-induced coma, is how I refer to it. It was extremely effective in dulling any pain. I was, as they say, "comfortably numb."

When I realized that I was also sacrificing the feelings of joy, love, peace, calm, elation, bliss... I realized that my elaborate coping mechanism was keeping me  from all that life offers. I was missing was the wonderful.

Since then, I have taken the very bold step to allow myself to come out of my protective shell, to feel all of it and not shut down. And it is not for the faint of heart. We have plenty of good reasons why we choose not to feel the pain. Feeling the full impact of one's emotions after years of avoiding them altogether takes some fortitude. 

I learned healthier ways to feel them and not be overwhelmed and I have also learned that it is just as possible to be overwhelmed by the high of amazing as it is to be overtaken by deep despair. As I am learning how to do this, I am a little overwhelming myself... I say what's in my heart. I take opportunities to speak my mind and can overstep my bounds. I'm a little snarky at times, which is truly disarming to those still think of me as the Stepford wife. It takes a lot of work to allow my true self to emerge but it is worth all of it.

While they are powerful, feelings and emotions are only feelings and emotions. My challenge is to feel them, honor them, focus on my heart and breathe.... and then let them go.  And on some days, I can do just that.