"As if love weren't already complicated"

I truly believe that Americans found a couple of holidays to get them through the trudge to spring that is February such as Groundhog Day and President's Day. Loads of fun in New Orleans comes to a screeching halt when it turns midnight on Ash Wednesday.

And then there's Valentine's Day.

From the kindergartner who's told, "Yes, you must give a valentine to all the kids in your class. Even the ones who tick you off," to the married man who has been buying the same box of chocolates and fistful of flowers for the past 30 years, this is a tricky holiday.

Apparently, there is a counter-holiday known as Singles Appreciation Day. Or S.A.D. for short. Yikes. It is true that Valentine's Day is on par with New Year's Eve as date night. For singles with the full import of the American marketing machine working against them, it's easy to just want to skip from the 13th to the 15th of the month. I dare say that anyone in a relationship can also have that terrifying moment of trying to figure out the "right" expression of love.

Here's an interesting idea. "Be Your Own Beloved". I think that this notion is pretty sound. We've been told over and over that we do have to love and respect ourselves if we expect others to do the same. For those of us raised in midwestern communities with phone books that look like excerpt from a Lake Woebegon novel, it is an uncomfortable task. We were not raised to look haughty or full of ourselves. It is a fine line between self-esteem and cocky. Or so we're told.

I'm just talking about treating ourselves the way we want a special friend to treat us. It means turning off that horrible tape in our heads that tells us we aren't (insert here: good, pretty, smart, thin...) enough. It means respecting, loving, and caring for ourselves.

What about scheduling regular massage? A night out with friends? Tickets to a ball game or a special event? Be in love with yourself. Spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, heck even pets, will leave us at some point. We are the only companion who will truly be with us for our entire lives. Take a little time to love and appreciate who you are. Be your own best friend, your own beloved.

So, go buy yourself some flowers, a nice box of chocolates, maybe a bottle of wine. Even if you have another who is your beloved. Loving yourself is the best gift you can give to those you love.

Love is complicated. Make it simple. Love yourself first.

Can we all just take a deep breath, please?

Is it just me or does there seem to be an extraordinary amount of fear and paranoia in the world these days?

Where your attention goes is what you focus on, what you develop and grow. If you believe that the world is as bad as you think it is AND that they are coming to get you, then yes, they are. It's that kind of drop by drop self-inflicted water torture that will surely be your demise.

You can choose what you believe and it will change your life. If you want life to be a little easier, a little sunnier, a lot less scary, then direct your attention the positive of life and stay away from what brings you down. Maybe that means limiting your flow of news. Maybe it means intentionally making a date to be with people who lift your spirits and not suck the life out of you. Maybe it means seeking to understand another's point of view. Whatever helps you to be less terrified is good.

The world will be the biggest, baddest, scariest place if you let your imagination go there.

The reverse is also true. When we stare down our fears, we realize that we spend a helluva lot of time worrying about things that will never happen. It takes a tremendous amount of energy trying to plan a response to all possibilities and to maintain that line of defense against any number of monsters under the bed. Living all jacked up on fear is no way to live, really.

On behalf of the human race...just chill a little, ok?

In the Clearing

Last week's view was snowy and cold. "The Melon Collie" also visited and put me in mind of my middle age. I did have lovely times with my children and friends. I also attended two funerals and learned of the passing of one of my church moms from my hometown.

Hazel was 99. Helen was 78. John was 15.

Life lessons are not easy. At any age. From my middle view, I realize that I need to expect weeks like this. Ones that have richly wonderful days and days that are challenging. And sometimes, the day holds both.

I read this quote from Terry Hershey's "Sabbath Moments" this morning. It is from Rabbi Harold Kushner's book, "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough."

"I don't like being hurt...but when I protect myself against the danger of loss by teaching myself not to care, not to let anyone get too close to me, I lose part of my soul. If we believe that in order for life to be good, we have to avoid pain, the danger is that we will become so good at not feeling pain that we will learn not to feel anything not joy, not love, not hope, not awe. We will be emotionally anesthetized."

Speaking from personal experience, there are damned good reasons, times, and life moments for emotional anesthesia. For without it, we may not get out of bed in the morning, or worse, we may choose to end our life to escape the pain.

Right now, my view from the middle of life is coming out of the first part of life with a pretty different take on living. It feels a little like walking along a forest trail and coming into an unexpected clearing in the woods of midlife and taking one's eyes off the trail to actually look up to see where you are. To pause for a moment and re-vision life in other ways, determining a new trail or staying with the current one. Perhaps finding a different partner to travel with. Watch growing children find their own trails, ones that are hopefully near your own.

Living an authentic life is challenging, it can be tremendously difficult at times. But without living with an open heart, we can't truly appreciate how utterly amazing and miraculous life really is. I notice a lot of people my age who find themselves in this clearing and ask, "How did I get here?" Many choose to go running back on the same trail they came from, hoping to reclaim their younger life and the familiarity of it. I've seen some be greeted in this clearing by grandchildren who have lit a new flame inside of their hearts. I've seen some take their time in this clearing and ask, "Is this all there is?"

Yet others reach this clearing and they are hardened by life or have been deeply hurt by someone they loved and trusted. I can fully understand the desire to withdraw to seemingly protect oneself against being hurt yet again. I know how feeling nothing at all at times is better than feeling pain.

From my place in the clearing, I'm choosing to be open to life. This is not for the faint of heart. But what a tragedy if I choose to close myself off from life and all that it entails. As the saying goes, "growing old is a privilege denied to many" and if we choose to fully embrace life, risking with our whole heart, what kind of a second half of life can we create for ourselves and for those we love?

One of these days, I'll start on the path out of the clearing. And who knows where I will go? What I do know is that I am excited about the next part of the journey.

Always happy and forever 15

When I became a parent, the world changed completely in an instant. Everyone said, "Life will change after your baby is born." There's really no way to imagine just how utterly different it would be until you get there and you realize that this little person is your responsibility. When I talk with new parents and mention that to them, their faces express that astonishment they also experienced.

When I was not a parent, I felt the standard and acceptable degree of empathy and understanding for issues facing children. Safe homes, hunger, quality of education, the environment... but at the end of the day, they didn't seem to connect to me as strongly as they did with people who were parents. I remember thinking how "out there" those advocates seemed to be. That is, until I  became a parent.

I've relived some of those joys and pain this week. In a lighthearted way, my son and I watched "The Cosby Show," when Saundra and Elvin had their twins. And even though it was a TV sitcom portrayal of childbirth, it was still touching to me to hear those words again, "It's a boy! You have a son!" My son noticed that I got a little choked up in a silly kind of way over a TV show, but the flash of memory was there and I was transported back to the moment when he and I met for the first time.

Today, there's a lot of grieving in our small town. A boy in John's class lost his life yesterday. The first member of their class to leave, and far too soon. His name is also John. Always happy, is how my John described him. And now he'll always be happy and always be 15.

There are no words, just prayers for comfort, strength, and healing for John's parents and for all who will miss him. And in the same way we remember the moment our child is born, we put ourselves in this unthinkable situation and wonder how we would get through it if it were our child. Truly, in a small town, all children are "ours" and we feel the loss of a young man from our community.

Today's icy rain will make us stay in and stay home. The gray seems fitting in a way that blazing sunshine and blue sky would not today.

For all the hearts broken open today for any reason, here and everywhere, may they be filled with love.

Don't wait. The time will never be just right - 2013

Just about three years ago, I wrote this post Don't Wait. The Time Will Never Be Just Right. The title is a quote from Napoleon Hill and for me, it began the journey out of a waking coma to change my life.

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right." What does that mean to you? Right now, there's probably something that you are considering doing, but you haven't gone beyond just thinking about it. There are many likely suspects - getting in shape, getting sober, finishing your book, going back to school, or changing careers. Whatever it is, it's about making a commitment to ourselves and our dreams. And making that commitment could be the most difficult part. 

Depending on the time of year, like right now, we might call them resolutions or intentions.

Mark Twain said, "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

Ten days into 2013 and I'll bet many New Year's resolutions are teetering on the brink.

What if I work so hard at this and I fail?
What if I can't lose weight, stop smoking, get sober (fill in the blank)?
What if I can't handle working a job and going to school?
What if I open myself up to a relationship, and I get hurt?
It's just easier and less painful to not even try. Or is it?

The flip side, for me, is sometimes the more frightening proposition. What if I am successful? (Yeah, I know.)
What happens if I actually achieve what I set out to do? I'll have to do something even more challenging the next time. People will expect even more from me. And what if they find out I'm not all that?

When we commit to our dreams, we are making a promise to ourselves that we are worth it. We are worth more than just living life as it comes, always on defense and reacting to whatever comes our way. We are worth making proactive change in our lives, taking risks, learning from the inevitable disappointments and setbacks.

You are worth living your life fully and completely. What are you waiting for?

Taking Stock at Year's End

A week ago, I saw this blog post from Laurie Gerber on The Huffington Post. They have an intriguing page called, GPS For the Soul and I'm a regular reader.

Gerber is a life coach and had a clever post title, "5 Easy Steps to End the Year With a Bang."  (see link above)

The idea of a new year is obviously a human construct but is an illustration for a fresh start, for new beginnings, "for another chance to get it right," as Oprah says.

Gerber's five steps include taking the time to write a  list of all your accomplishments for the past year. She is adamant that the list be as long as possible and to take the time to really celebrate what you have done. Perhaps acquiring the habit of checking the car's oil on a regular basis isn't worthy of being on your list of accomplishments, but it is on mine. List them all, regardless of how life-changing you may deem them to be.

It felt really good to look over the list I had written. There were some things on that list that were truly transformational, i.e. I am debt-free, save my mortgage, for the first time in 20 years. I put myself "out there" and met new people who have been trusted and invaluable guides and companions on my journey this year. I looked a lot of fear in the eyes and the fear backed down. I marveled at the growth my children have made as individuals and our growth as a very close family.

The next step in the exercise is to write out the failures, the things I wanted to happen but they didn't happen... after the high of the list of accomplishments, this list wasn't as painful as it might have been. Yeah,  there were several things that I left undone and unsaid and things that I wish I hadn't done and said, too. It's all a part of being human which means we make mistakes and we are not perfect. I can apply that very easily to just about everyone else on the planet, but it is much harder to apply that to ourselves, isn't it? Giving myself grace and forgiveness for my inevitable missteps is a lesson I am learning.

Gerber then instructs us to write what we want to acknowledge about all of this, our successes and our failures. What does it all mean?

And then.

We are to set fire to the whole thing. Burn it up. Emotionally, it is a pretty final way to let go of it all. Spiritually, it's putting it out to the universe to release it for us. Physically, it is a way to really and truly watch the wheat and the chaff of the past year go up in smoke.

From there, Gerber suggests creating a vision board for what we hope for in the coming year. Our aspirations, goals, dreams... maybe it's a photo of a vacation place we are saving toward. Maybe it includes words that represent feelings or values. Maybe it is the name of a friend or a family member we want to especially spend more time with this year.

Taking stock and organizing life is a popular activity at this time of year. While we are busy concentrating on the junk drawer in the kitchen, the basement, the garage, the coat closet... maybe taking stock internally and dealing with the clutter in our hearts and minds is as important, possibly even more so, than the box we have set aside to take to Goodwill.

However you choose to end 2012, I hope you do so surrounded by those you love with someone special to kiss at midnight.

"Cheers to the New Year and another chance to get it right."  ~ Oprah Winfrey

Home

It's December 23 and many of us are focused on heading home. Maybe we are traveling to holiday gatherings with family and friends, or we are going "home" in our Advent journey to a deeper relationship with God, or we are going home to simply enjoy a couple of days off.

My next home will have a fireplace...

I've been to the Des Moines Airport today, giving a ride to three college students, each of them on their way home. It was interesting to hear that the two first-year students each said that Grinnell already felt like home, even though Iowa is a far cry from each of their homes in Los Angeles or Tanzania.

The older I get, the more I believe that for me, home is a feeling as much if not more, than a physical place. My friend, the nomad isn't going home this year to her "home" but going to Ireland to meet up with family. Another way of being "home."

People at the airport coming and going. Travelers on the interstate with cars packed to the gills with packages, parcels, and people.

And I, too, was on my back home. As I drove, I found myself singing an old Billy Joel tune that only those of us who listened to albums rather than singles would know... "Wherever we're together, that's my home." Home is a feeling for me when I am with those I love.

I wish for each of you the feeling of home in whatever that means for you...comfort, peace, security, love...