Once more, with feeling

One of the trickiest balancing acts I know is when to speak and when to remain silent. You know, that moment in a meeting or a conversation when something is said and your words seem to rise from your belly and land in your throat. Either they come right out or they lodge there in your mouth.

As a child, I was taught that my words had a great deal of weight and that I needed to be very careful about what was said, to whom, and when. And because of my personality, I was scared enough of making a mistake that I probably went too far and became really deliberate about what I said. Taking great care in choosing my words has served me well. I'm often the one asked for the politically correct and polite way to tell someone to bug off without making the listener angry. I've never known a language well enough to translate, except maybe the language of diplomacy.

While knowing how to carefully speak my words is an important skill, I have also come to realize that in the process, I silenced my self. I learned that it wasn't my words that could get me into trouble, it was the emotions I was feeling with them and expressing emotions and feelings was not good. I learned that food was an excellent way to keep those feelings stuffed and down in the gut to the point where I had pretty much stopped feeling anything at all. The word to describe it is "numbing." I didn't realize what I was doing as a child, but that's what it was.

But in the last few years, I've started rewiring all that. I've given myself, my true self that I have kept quiet all these years, the chance to be. This week, I read the following post from Seth Godin's blog. It resonated with me and I just wonder if it might with you, too.

You Already Have Permission

Just saying.
You have permission to create, to stand up, to speak up.
You have permission to be generous, to fail, to be vulnerable.
You have permission to your own words, to matter and to help.
No need to wait.

Weaving in the loose ends

Today's view from the porch is covered in snow. The sun is shining for the first time since the clouds dropped snowflakes like feathers this week, for days. The thick snow blanket is nearly 11 inches deep, I'm told by our local newspaper.
Many of us are dead sick of winter, but it's now March and the snow won't be here for long. It's three weeks until the first day of spring and next Sunday, we set the clocks forward for spring time. Extra sun at the end of the day will feel very good.
It's been a week that has seen a lot of life. We ordered a class ring this week for The Boy. Class of 2016. And here we go!
Another life moment...My dad lost a classmate this week and when you only had eight in your class, that's kind of saying something. Their friendship is an example of something that seems to be slipping away in our global living these days. It used to be just a given thing that your family and other families in your area knew each other well for generations. It's much more rare today that we live in the same community as our grandparents or even our great-grandparents once did.
My dad and his classmate Glen,  are an example. Their parents knew each other, raised families together. Dad and Glen have been friends for nearly 70 years as they have known each other since they started school. And then the next generation gets involved and Glen's daughter Tess and my sister Julie were best friends. I even dated Glen's son for a summer, too. Still good friends. I can come up with several families with whom we have multi-generational relationships.
Here's another. My son's 7th grade band teacher here in Grinnell had a familiar name from my southwest Iowa upbringing, but one doesn't hear the name Sandholm as much in eastern Iowa. We started talking and the next thing you know, his sister and her husband farm my grandparents farm and live on their family homestead in the Nyman/Coburg area. We have many people in common. I've gotten to know Mr. Sandholm's daughter Heidi and I think it is very cool that I have a "new" friend in Grinnell and that our grandmothers were neighbors and friends.
The connections of life weave us together to the generations of the past and between the generations of today. For me, it causes me to simply stop in awe and soak in all in. Don't pass by these little moments that drop around you. They can be easy to miss in the full-on way we live these days. Savor this and enjoy that connection to those generations past. They are a foundation that our lives are built upon. Who could you remember and honor today?

"As if love weren't already complicated"

I truly believe that Americans found a couple of holidays to get them through the trudge to spring that is February such as Groundhog Day and President's Day. Loads of fun in New Orleans comes to a screeching halt when it turns midnight on Ash Wednesday.

And then there's Valentine's Day.

From the kindergartner who's told, "Yes, you must give a valentine to all the kids in your class. Even the ones who tick you off," to the married man who has been buying the same box of chocolates and fistful of flowers for the past 30 years, this is a tricky holiday.

Apparently, there is a counter-holiday known as Singles Appreciation Day. Or S.A.D. for short. Yikes. It is true that Valentine's Day is on par with New Year's Eve as date night. For singles with the full import of the American marketing machine working against them, it's easy to just want to skip from the 13th to the 15th of the month. I dare say that anyone in a relationship can also have that terrifying moment of trying to figure out the "right" expression of love.

Here's an interesting idea. "Be Your Own Beloved". I think that this notion is pretty sound. We've been told over and over that we do have to love and respect ourselves if we expect others to do the same. For those of us raised in midwestern communities with phone books that look like excerpt from a Lake Woebegon novel, it is an uncomfortable task. We were not raised to look haughty or full of ourselves. It is a fine line between self-esteem and cocky. Or so we're told.

I'm just talking about treating ourselves the way we want a special friend to treat us. It means turning off that horrible tape in our heads that tells us we aren't (insert here: good, pretty, smart, thin...) enough. It means respecting, loving, and caring for ourselves.

What about scheduling regular massage? A night out with friends? Tickets to a ball game or a special event? Be in love with yourself. Spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, heck even pets, will leave us at some point. We are the only companion who will truly be with us for our entire lives. Take a little time to love and appreciate who you are. Be your own best friend, your own beloved.

So, go buy yourself some flowers, a nice box of chocolates, maybe a bottle of wine. Even if you have another who is your beloved. Loving yourself is the best gift you can give to those you love.

Love is complicated. Make it simple. Love yourself first.

Can we all just take a deep breath, please?

Is it just me or does there seem to be an extraordinary amount of fear and paranoia in the world these days?

Where your attention goes is what you focus on, what you develop and grow. If you believe that the world is as bad as you think it is AND that they are coming to get you, then yes, they are. It's that kind of drop by drop self-inflicted water torture that will surely be your demise.

You can choose what you believe and it will change your life. If you want life to be a little easier, a little sunnier, a lot less scary, then direct your attention the positive of life and stay away from what brings you down. Maybe that means limiting your flow of news. Maybe it means intentionally making a date to be with people who lift your spirits and not suck the life out of you. Maybe it means seeking to understand another's point of view. Whatever helps you to be less terrified is good.

The world will be the biggest, baddest, scariest place if you let your imagination go there.

The reverse is also true. When we stare down our fears, we realize that we spend a helluva lot of time worrying about things that will never happen. It takes a tremendous amount of energy trying to plan a response to all possibilities and to maintain that line of defense against any number of monsters under the bed. Living all jacked up on fear is no way to live, really.

On behalf of the human race...just chill a little, ok?

In the Clearing

Last week's view was snowy and cold. "The Melon Collie" also visited and put me in mind of my middle age. I did have lovely times with my children and friends. I also attended two funerals and learned of the passing of one of my church moms from my hometown.

Hazel was 99. Helen was 78. John was 15.

Life lessons are not easy. At any age. From my middle view, I realize that I need to expect weeks like this. Ones that have richly wonderful days and days that are challenging. And sometimes, the day holds both.

I read this quote from Terry Hershey's "Sabbath Moments" this morning. It is from Rabbi Harold Kushner's book, "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough."

"I don't like being hurt...but when I protect myself against the danger of loss by teaching myself not to care, not to let anyone get too close to me, I lose part of my soul. If we believe that in order for life to be good, we have to avoid pain, the danger is that we will become so good at not feeling pain that we will learn not to feel anything not joy, not love, not hope, not awe. We will be emotionally anesthetized."

Speaking from personal experience, there are damned good reasons, times, and life moments for emotional anesthesia. For without it, we may not get out of bed in the morning, or worse, we may choose to end our life to escape the pain.

Right now, my view from the middle of life is coming out of the first part of life with a pretty different take on living. It feels a little like walking along a forest trail and coming into an unexpected clearing in the woods of midlife and taking one's eyes off the trail to actually look up to see where you are. To pause for a moment and re-vision life in other ways, determining a new trail or staying with the current one. Perhaps finding a different partner to travel with. Watch growing children find their own trails, ones that are hopefully near your own.

Living an authentic life is challenging, it can be tremendously difficult at times. But without living with an open heart, we can't truly appreciate how utterly amazing and miraculous life really is. I notice a lot of people my age who find themselves in this clearing and ask, "How did I get here?" Many choose to go running back on the same trail they came from, hoping to reclaim their younger life and the familiarity of it. I've seen some be greeted in this clearing by grandchildren who have lit a new flame inside of their hearts. I've seen some take their time in this clearing and ask, "Is this all there is?"

Yet others reach this clearing and they are hardened by life or have been deeply hurt by someone they loved and trusted. I can fully understand the desire to withdraw to seemingly protect oneself against being hurt yet again. I know how feeling nothing at all at times is better than feeling pain.

From my place in the clearing, I'm choosing to be open to life. This is not for the faint of heart. But what a tragedy if I choose to close myself off from life and all that it entails. As the saying goes, "growing old is a privilege denied to many" and if we choose to fully embrace life, risking with our whole heart, what kind of a second half of life can we create for ourselves and for those we love?

One of these days, I'll start on the path out of the clearing. And who knows where I will go? What I do know is that I am excited about the next part of the journey.

Always happy and forever 15

When I became a parent, the world changed completely in an instant. Everyone said, "Life will change after your baby is born." There's really no way to imagine just how utterly different it would be until you get there and you realize that this little person is your responsibility. When I talk with new parents and mention that to them, their faces express that astonishment they also experienced.

When I was not a parent, I felt the standard and acceptable degree of empathy and understanding for issues facing children. Safe homes, hunger, quality of education, the environment... but at the end of the day, they didn't seem to connect to me as strongly as they did with people who were parents. I remember thinking how "out there" those advocates seemed to be. That is, until I  became a parent.

I've relived some of those joys and pain this week. In a lighthearted way, my son and I watched "The Cosby Show," when Saundra and Elvin had their twins. And even though it was a TV sitcom portrayal of childbirth, it was still touching to me to hear those words again, "It's a boy! You have a son!" My son noticed that I got a little choked up in a silly kind of way over a TV show, but the flash of memory was there and I was transported back to the moment when he and I met for the first time.

Today, there's a lot of grieving in our small town. A boy in John's class lost his life yesterday. The first member of their class to leave, and far too soon. His name is also John. Always happy, is how my John described him. And now he'll always be happy and always be 15.

There are no words, just prayers for comfort, strength, and healing for John's parents and for all who will miss him. And in the same way we remember the moment our child is born, we put ourselves in this unthinkable situation and wonder how we would get through it if it were our child. Truly, in a small town, all children are "ours" and we feel the loss of a young man from our community.

Today's icy rain will make us stay in and stay home. The gray seems fitting in a way that blazing sunshine and blue sky would not today.

For all the hearts broken open today for any reason, here and everywhere, may they be filled with love.

Don't wait. The time will never be just right - 2013

Just about three years ago, I wrote this post Don't Wait. The Time Will Never Be Just Right. The title is a quote from Napoleon Hill and for me, it began the journey out of a waking coma to change my life.

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right." What does that mean to you? Right now, there's probably something that you are considering doing, but you haven't gone beyond just thinking about it. There are many likely suspects - getting in shape, getting sober, finishing your book, going back to school, or changing careers. Whatever it is, it's about making a commitment to ourselves and our dreams. And making that commitment could be the most difficult part. 

Depending on the time of year, like right now, we might call them resolutions or intentions.

Mark Twain said, "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

Ten days into 2013 and I'll bet many New Year's resolutions are teetering on the brink.

What if I work so hard at this and I fail?
What if I can't lose weight, stop smoking, get sober (fill in the blank)?
What if I can't handle working a job and going to school?
What if I open myself up to a relationship, and I get hurt?
It's just easier and less painful to not even try. Or is it?

The flip side, for me, is sometimes the more frightening proposition. What if I am successful? (Yeah, I know.)
What happens if I actually achieve what I set out to do? I'll have to do something even more challenging the next time. People will expect even more from me. And what if they find out I'm not all that?

When we commit to our dreams, we are making a promise to ourselves that we are worth it. We are worth more than just living life as it comes, always on defense and reacting to whatever comes our way. We are worth making proactive change in our lives, taking risks, learning from the inevitable disappointments and setbacks.

You are worth living your life fully and completely. What are you waiting for?