Fall is falling. Finally.

It's time for football games.

Summer started here in March and it is still flirting with 100 degrees on the last day of August, I'm looking forward to the change of season and a change of clothes. It is time for the air conditioner to take a long nap.

Last night, I noticed it was dark and it was 8 o'clock.

There's football on TV again and it is live, not reruns of old games. Who watches those reruns?

And it will be time to find the way out of the corn maze...

Fall is my favorite season, hands down. But fall also has a way of making me feel all sentimental, almost melancholy. Time seems to go a little slower in the fall. We have "evenings" again. Sunday isn't the only dinner that I plan when there are evenings...

And I am ready to savor all of it.

Bringing the world to Grinnell...

The world got a lot smaller this week as we met an incredible young woman and her mother. My family and I have entered into a friendship with a young woman who will soon begin classes at the college in our town. We are a community host family for this student who is both Irish and American, but has lived in Africa since she was a very little girl. 

The world came together and the distance between Grinnell and Tanzania became shorter.

We went to an event at the college to bring together families and students from all over the world. It was really rather remarkable for us. 

It was more than remarkable, it was downright humbling. 

Students from around the world, some traveling 48 hours to get to Grinnell, introduced themselves, giving their name and their country. 

These extraordinary young people are attending college in another country and often English is their second or third language. And they are majoring in chemistry, philosophy, or economics... 

I had my plate full in college just learning in my own native language, let alone in French, German, Spanish, or Swedish ... all languages I studied, but I can't say I'm fluent. Not by a long shot. 

This new friendship already feels like an old friendship and the distance between Grinnell and Tanzania seems to have gotten a little smaller this week...Oh, the places you'll go...

Don't Worry... It's All Good

Is there anything that puts time in perspective more than watching it pass as children grow? As an adult firmly in middle age, a few years is just that... a few years. 

Until you watch those years pass as a child grows. The difference between a child at age eight and at 11 is remarkable. 

I listened to Kati Marston on "Morning Joe" yesterday and I'm compelled to pick up her new memoir, "Paris: A Love Story." Marston recounts her first marriage to Peter Jennings, the news anchor, which ended in divorce, and her second marriage to Richard Holbrooke, a diplomat working to end the Afghan war. Holbrooke died in 2010. Not only does the personal story of their lives sound interesting, but I am drawn to Kati's perspective, the way in which Kati is emphatic that we live life fully every single day. In an interview with NPR, she shares that the novel is about grabbing onto life after loss... "Because I have a keener sense now more than ever of how elusive life is, and how you can't count on anything, and how important it is to live in the present. And I hope my readers will draw comfort from the fact that there are lives beyond the one that one loses."

When I hear that kind of admonition, I am terrified. What if I run out of time to experience all of it? I can easily become melancholy and the memories of the past and dreams once entertained fall gently around me like snowflakes... 

And then I see the progression of time in these photos and in these faces, and I am reminded that I never envisioned this kind of charmed life that I have. It's all good.

The Journey IS the Destination

GIVE UP THE PARANOIA
from the teachings of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, via Oceans of Dharma

"The open path is a matter of working purely with what is, of giving up altogether the fear that something may not work, that something may end in failure. One has to give up the paranoia that one might not fit into situations, that one might be rejected. One purely deals with life as it is."

This sounds completely blissful...and terrifying all at the same time. I'm working on finding my balance between working toward goals and aspirations - things I want to accomplish - and just taking life as it comes. I'm at least aware that I need to loosen the white-knuckle grip I have on life at times and I have succeeded once in a while at being able to do just that. Another way of looking at this is really letting go of the fear of not being "enough." Not even trying or venturing out of my comfort zone to attempt something new because I tell myself I cannot possibly succeed.

"Can't do it. No point in trying. I'll just let myself down... again..." The Gospel According to Eeyore...

But doesn't that also save us from the satisfaction of achievement that goes with meeting a challenge?

Watching the Olympics over the past two weeks has been a little contradictory to this, however. Listening to stories of extraordinary young people who have devoted their entire lives to one competition is beyond dedication. Years of training and work toward a single moment is mind-boggling. It would seem to me that not only did they perform super-human feats of athleticism, but also of being too strong to allow anything, especially their own selves, to stand in the way of their goal.

Not all of us are cut out to be Olympic athletes. That's what makes them special. For many of us, just trying to live life without fear of success and fear of failure are enough.

What do we miss when we force life to happen according to our own agenda? We miss dealing with life as it is. We miss seeing possibilities and opportunities. We view our future through a peep-hole, small, distorted, and out of focus. The most glorious opportunities could be visible just beyond your tiny circle of vision. When we are honed in on our own agenda with a tight focus, we can miss the incredible around us that is life.

"This is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great." Willa Cather

BREATHE, DAMNIT!

Who knew that there were so many different ways to breathe?
Seriously - there are special breathing techniques for all kinds of things...

for playing a musical instrument,

singing, 

running,

yoga,

giving birth,

stress management,

to get more oxygen,

swimming..
truly, there is a breathing technique for just about everything. 

I have been told to breathe through my diaphragm, my lungs, my mouth, my nose, my heart, and yoga god Rodney Yee told me to breathe through my eyeballs just the other day. 

Frankly, it's not a technique I need, it's a reminder.

Others usually have to tell me that I'm ready for a paper bag. Sometimes it is a subtle comment..."Laura, are you ok?" And other times, it grabs me by the shoulders, strongly shaking me... "BREATHE, DAMNIT."

Life is crazy and if we don't stop and just breathe, damnit, we're going to miss a lot of it. Use the technique you started with when you took your first breath. It will work. If not, Google has about 493,600,000 suggestions...

Let's just see where this goes...

I admit it. When an opportunity presents itself and it is something I want to do, I go after it. Enthusiastically. Head first. Overboard. In fact, my ability to envision and imagine how it will be when I've achieved the goal focuses my attention and efforts on success. It's that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Full-court press. One-hundred day letter writing campaign...

When my family and I moved to our new hometown almost seven years ago to start a great job at the hospital, there were tons of logistical hurdles to maneuver to get us here. Whenever there was a question, an answer seemed to appear. I just knew that things were going to work out the way I had hoped, and often even better than I imagined.

Of course, things didn't just happen. I worked at it. I shaped outcomes. I did what I had to do to get where I wanted to be. It's still my m.o. about things I really, really to want achieve. There's nothing wrong with going after what you want. We are taught from an early age that working toward goals is the way we succeed in this world. You know.... Go for it! Pull out the stops! Don't hold back! Throw yourself into it! What gets handed to us on a silver platter? Precious little.

Until I realized, embarrassingly, that charging full steam ahead does not work well in relationship - with friends, family, children...

One of the things life is challenging me to do is to simply let some things just unfold on their own. No pushing or scheming. Just let it happen. Be patient...Uhm. Ohh-kay.

As is usually the case, one of my favorite bloggers has some wisdom to share.
Leo Babauta "The Wisdom of Allowing Things to Happen" from his blog, "Zen Habits."

Leo counsels me that when we just let things happen, the end result may be better than we had envisioned. We close off other possibilities and opportunities when we push our own single and laser-focused agenda. This isn't to say that we just let the world roll over us, but to allow things the space to grow. Enjoying this moment right now without designs on tomorrow.

Well, that's a perspective I had never really considered. But I am now. It is easier said than done, to be sure.  It can cause all kinds of anxiety when I feel the universe is in control rather than me, and what I've learned is that one is, of course, never in control of the universe. Things will happen even with the best effort for a positive outcome. So, this girl is learning a new trick. It has been one of the most challenging personality course-corrections I've attempted, and certainly one of the most rewarding.

This is an important life lesson for me to take on and I am filled with gratitude for the chance to learn how to let go of expectations and enjoy life as it comes. Who knows what opportunities I have missed already?

"Your biggest opportunity may be right where you are now."  Napoleon Hill

Independence - I do declare

Independence 
"freedom from the control, influence, support, aid or the like, of others."


With all due respect to Mr. Webster's dictionary... I'm adding a few personal items to the definition.
freedom from: 
negative self-talk
too much stuff
unrealistic expectations
controlling others or others controlling me


So I'm declaring my own independence. From all of the above....and probably a lot more things that should be added to the list but I'm just not ready to publicly declare here... 


I find myself on my own for a few days right now and I'm deep into The Great Purge dealing with bullet no. 2 - Too Much Stuff. 


Most importantly, I'm reclaiming my house, room by room. Things that used to be his, mine, and ours. Declaring independence from the emotional tax that I have always placed on stuff. And in the process, reclaiming my self.


Armed with a glass of wine, a box of kleenex, packing boxes for keeps and giveaways, and a lot of trash bags, I'm headed to the chill of the basement, enjoying music, sorting through bits and pieces of life, and moving on. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing."